Why don’t kids come with a trigger warning?

And other questions…

You’ll have seen it before at the beginning of films and TV series. An upfront warning letting you know what to expect – nudity, bad language, horror. So why don’t kids come with a trigger warning? Something so you can prepare yourself. Our children often catch us unaware and hold up a mirror to us. It’s confronting, and I don’t feel like I’m buckled in tightly enough as we fast approach the next life stage…

Photo by Carson Masterson on Unsplash

The ‘question’

After a week away in the sunshine for my birthday, we caught up with family over Sunday Lunch this weekend. Quite harmless. A fellow preschool mum was in there with her child and popped over to say hello. Again, quite harmless. Then inevitably, she popped ‘the question’.

“Which school have you put down for September?”

I know this comes with the territory of being a parent, but this question makes me feel like I’m in Groundhog Day. It’s asked at every kid’s party and every nursery interaction. Sometimes it feels like a job interview. Some parents have meticulously combed over Ofsted reports and visited four or five schools regardless of whether they are in their catchment or not.

My simple reply is – I’ve chosen the one closest to home. The one that I can see from our window. And no, I haven’t read the Ofsted, but have heard it’s Good so, hey ho. It’s not that I don’t care about the standard of school or my daughter’s welfare, it’s just a fixation I don’t need. I’m not going to get hung up over it (see my letting go of perfectionism blog).

The schools I went to were average – yes some of the teachers weren’t great and some of the students were questionable – but I turned out ok (I think). It made me much more street-smart and driven to do better for myself.

The gut punch

The one thing I’m not prepared for though, is the fact that my daughter will start school without most (if any) of her preschool friends. Most live in neighbouring villages and of course, will likely get placed at the local school with siblings etc. The reality is that 92.2% of families are offered their first-choice primary school according to the Department of Education. I joke that she will get one-to-one tuition when she starts Reception as no one else has put down our chosen school. Humour is great for hiding anxiety, right? (I need to work on that.) And then without any trigger warning…

“I don’t want to grow up without my friends,” said my daughter.

I felt wounded. Like someone had punched a great big hole in my chest. I tried my best to explain that she would make new friends and that her old friends would stay in touch. But it was difficult to get the words out. My husband – ever rational and the ying to my yang – asked me if I remembered any of my preschool friends. I said no. But it still doesn’t make the prospect of her turning up on day one without her girl gang less painful. I don’t want her to be lonely. “She’ll be fine,” he said. And I know she will. The anxiety I feel is likely a reflection of my own experiences - I’ve seen enough coaching videos on TikTok!

Photo by arash payam on Unsplash

It's me, not her

When I started Reception year I found the transition somewhat lonely. That’s perhaps why my daughter’s nine innocent words, transported me back to a time and a feeling that I thought was dead and buried. I have to consciously pull myself back because I’m ‘the adult’ now (sob!).

I try to reframe my thinking because my daughter is a beautiful and thoughtful social butterfly who will talk to anyone – no mean feat for a four-year-old. She’s her, not me. How I felt, isn’t how she’s going to feel. There will no doubt be other obstacles down the path – the bullying and bitchiness of secondary school is something that I’ve got my body armour ready for. But I hope I can help her handle future scenarios with calm and composure.

Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash

Values and friendship

As much as I want her to settle in in September, I also don’t expect her to be just friends with anyone. Nobody gets on with everybody. I recently read The 9 qualities I look for in a friend by

Francesca Specter

, and that got me thinking about what I would suggest to my daughter when she gets a little older and is navigating friendships:

• Honesty and reliability – choose people who show up for you and are truthful from a good place to help you grow

• Empathy – choose people who can empathise rather than sympathise when things get tough. Kick to the kerb those who want the best of you but not the rest of you

• Passion – choose people who have a passion for something and who can help you experience things you’ve never done before

So as National Offer Day looms on 16 April spare a thought for us as we step up the next rung on the life ladder. I know there will be some tears, but it’ll likely be mine rather than hers.

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Kat x